i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
