I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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