I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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