now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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