Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
