i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
