My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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