Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
is it fun? or sober?
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