i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
