he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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