I wish my penis had an off switch
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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