my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
