508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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