so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
