omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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