I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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