Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
