I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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