She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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