Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
