We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
