If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
