My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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