there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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