is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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