Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize