I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
another moral hangover. fuck.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
