im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
