You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize