Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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