I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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