well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
