That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize