If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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