"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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