This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
