Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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