Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Even my vagina gasped.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
