saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize