I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wish I only lived at night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
