We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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