I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize