I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize