last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
