Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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