Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
