i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
