Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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