I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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