Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
