Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
