My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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