when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
