Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
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