Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
