life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize