He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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