whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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