I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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