No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
