You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
this boner is exhausting
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
