he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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