this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
