So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
