You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
