just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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