Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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