I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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