i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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