Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
